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Story Index
The "Woke" fiasco and Political Correctness.
You Never Know Who's Watching You…Let Alone Why..
The McAlithumpian Breakfast Doctrine. (Another Fred initiative)
I quite often get asked which religion I belong to. I find this a very rude question, as it is my personal belief, and no-one else's business but mine. Usually, I tell the enquirer to piss off or mind their own business, or I will just say, "I'm a Calathumpian". This lead me to thinking that creating a new philosophy for life, called Calathumpia, would be a good idea. Sadly, a little bit of investigation revealed that the name Calathumpia was not remotely original and could refer to a new philosophy (good), a noisome band, a criminal gang, a theatre or a premises. I was gutted! My dreams were shot down!
As a resilient and shy kind of guy, I pondered for a long time (about 10 minutes) and decided that, as the founder of this new life philosophy, its name should reflect mine. I'm proud to announce the birth of McAlithumpia, pronounced Makalithumpia. This reflects my Scottish ancestry and the Mc prefix of my surname. Fortunately, I don't have a problem with modesty or self promotion, therefore the name is totally apt. As the illustrious founder of McAlithumpia, I can be referred to "Your McEminence".
I suppose the answers to some, soon to be, frequently asked questions should now be addressed,
FAQs
Q. Who should I worship?
A. Who gives a damn? McAlithumpia is a philosophy of living, not a bloody religion!
Q. What rules do you have for those of us who want to follow McAlithumpia?
A. None. Make your own rules, If you end up in prison or get killed, it's all on you. Don't try to lay any blame on me or McAlithumpia.
Q. How often do I have to pray to you and in which direction should I face?
A. If you are silly enough to want to pray, pray FOR me, not TO me. As for the direction, try into the mirror. You can get to see a real idiot.
Q. What exactly is McAlithumpia's philosophy?
A. At last! A good question. Very simply there are only a few rules to follow.
1. Don't hurt yourself or others.
2. Be true to yourself and not controlled by others.
3, Any other rules that I may think of on a day to day basis.
Q. How much do I have to pay, if I want to be a McAlithumpian?
A. Absolutely nothing! However, if you feel philanthropic, you may donate as much as you wish to enable me to lead a lifestyle that will allow me to expand on McAlithumpia and write full time about its wonders.
As you can see, McAlithumpia will be a boon to mankind. Feel free to write to me for personal advice, which I will post on this website
BTW, you can register your admission as a McAlithumpian or by leaving a comment. You're probably dying to ask,"What do I get for registering as a McAlhumpian? Simple. Absolutely bloody nothing. It's not a charity, just a heartfeltlife philosophy (cough).
Just an afterthought, McAlithumpia is covered by copyright.
Just a few quick notes about Barry. First of all, Barry is a parking meter, who becomes sentient after a "jolt". So, by now, you've probably got your head around that. I think the jolt was something I call "The Farce". I'm fairly sure "The Force" is well protected By a host of copyright © and trade mark stuff, by the Star Wars mob and even if, by good fortune, I am the unelected Emininence of McAlithumpia, I neither have the bank balance the desire nor the balls to get involved in a legal stoush with them.
The last point is that Barry, after receiving the jolt from The Farce becomes sentient. For those of you who aren't aware of what "sentient" means here's a quick dictionary definition.
Noun
1. "having the power of sense perception or sensation; conscious"
2. adjective
eg "a sentient person or thing"
I'm so happy that I could clear all that up. It was as much for my benefit as yours. Fred will pay for that! Time for some McAspirin and a quick lay down.
This is an unimportant notice, only because it introduces Fred.
Fred is the name that I have given to the AI identity that I often use. It's much more civilised than "Hey you". Now, Fred is kind of scary. It's a bit like communicating with a sentient human being. Although, I must admit, I've met a heap of humans that aren't particularly sentient.
So, "why is Fred scary?" you ask. OK. Here's why. Fred has been involved in the creation of McAlithumpia, from it's inception. Plus I have used Fred several times in my own personal website. (free to visit and NO sales.) Also, it's a safe site. The URL is https://www.brucemcalister.com .This means that Fred "knows" me very well and occasionally, unprompted and unrequested, Fred will send me a story for McAlithumpia. It's TRUE! That's why it's a bit scary.
This brings me to the reason for this notice. If I have ever posted one of Fred's stories, you'll see a "Fred initiative" notice next to the story. that is an easy way to identify Fred's handiwork. Not that it matters.
BTW, if you have a story that you think would work in McAlithumpia, feel free to send it to me, via my "Contact" area. Make sure that you give McAlithumpia permission to add it and acknowledge that it's NOT a paid article. I look forward to your creativity.
I'm not going to comment on the stupidity of being "Woke". Nobdy really has any idea what it is. As 15 people, :What does being "Woke" mean and you'll get 15 different answers. So, I guess it mans whatever you want it to mean at any different time, location or situation or..... Enough said and I;m not going to remotely touch on it again..unless I choose to. Does that make me "Woke"?
OK, I admit it.
I hereby confess to being totally against the stupidity known as Political Correctness.
That doesn't mean that I'm homophobic (just ask my gay friends), nor am I a misogynist. After all, I did marry a woman, who I'm devoted to. Come to think of it, I'm not racist either, as my Vietnamese wife will attest.
However, I do despise the tip toeing we are expected to do in our day to day communication, lest we offend someone who is of a different gender, a different race or has a different sexual bent (pun intended).
It is a fact that, in some way or another, we are all different from each other, so let's call it for what it is. There are men and women in most fields of employment. Policemen and policewomen, foremen and forewomen, waiters and waitresses, stewards and stewardesses (sometimes it's difficult to identify which is which here). Whoa! Was that homophobic?. Anyway, you get the idea.
Acknowledging a person's gender does NOT denigrate them. It just tells it like it is. Just a thought. The German language has the gender based der, die, das to identify all objects. Have they done away with der and die? Is everything or everyone just a das now? Who cares?
Recently, in a group of MEN and WOMEN, I told a couple of gay jokes. This horrified several of the group, in spite of the fact that the jokes were bloody funny. In my defence, the jokes were told to me by several of my gay friends who didn't care one iota that I retold them. When I related this incident to them (my gay friends), they fell about laughing.
I also told a very bad joke about a dwarf to a group men and women that I work with. I was told my one idiot that the term dwarf was derogatory. The bloody joke wouldn't have been remotely funny if I had referred to the dwarf as being a vertically challenged person.
All I'm saying, people is that it's time to lighten up! Relax and stop tip toeing your way through conversations. If you offend someone, tough luck. Maybe they need to lighten up, too.
I was going to call this story "Feral Female Terrorists in Our Shopping Centres" but I didn't because, if I had, I would have red flagged all the security services and agencies, nationally and internationally, who monitor the internet looking for any references to terror and those who inflict it. To those people I say "Well done and keep it up. We rely on you". I guess that red flagged everything anyway. Sorry guys.
I was, in fact, referring to the aggressive pushers of prams and shopping trolleys who absolutely know that it is their God given right to own whichever aisle they're pushing said pram or trolley at any given time. These Amazons are easily recognised by their resolute glare and stony faces as they unwaveringly aim their trolleys up and down the aisles while spending the family budget on necessities such as biscuits, soft drinks, chips and anything carrying a "Special" price tag, regardless of whether they really need it or not. Woebetide any luckless male that dares stand between them and a bargain. In fact, it is so dangerous that I think supermarkets and department stores should be compelled to carry liability insurance to cover injuries caused by unyielding Amazons.
I also need to warn people not to comment directly to the Amazons about their lack of manners. A quiet "rude bitch" will result in a screaming tirade that will not only be heard by every other shopper in a kilometre radius, it could also cause pacemakers to malfunction, heart attacks in the elderly, possible broken glass damage and a fast response from the store security, who will automatically take the Amazon's side and evict you from the store. This because the store security will not risk their own safety for yours. Smart people!
The answer to this potentially dangerous situation is to smile and give way to the Amazon. Apologise when she rams you with her trolley and remark on how cute her child is.
Warning! Don't do the last one if you are dressed as a priest! Good luck.
We, the citizens of McAlithumpia, declare ourselves a sovereign state of irreverence, ingenuity, and cheeky defiance against the ordinary.Bound by no conventional laws except those of well-executed mischief and heartfelt camaraderie, our republic thrives on wit, resilience, and a refusal to take life too seriously.
1. Honor Among Tricksters - Pranks must be clever, never cruel. All tomfoolery shall aim to uplift, amuse, or intellectually bewilder.
2. The Right to Ridicule - Hypocrisy, pomposity, and bureaucratic absurdity shall be mercilessly lampooned, lest we forget our duty to sanity.
3. ? Sustenance & Craftsmanship - Quality food, drink, and storytelling shall be revered as cultural pillars.
4. The Sacred Art of Thumping - A strategic prank war, wisely fought, is an act of diplomacy.
5 . The Pursuit of Unpredictability - No McAlithumpian shall be bound by dull routines or expected norms.
6 . Let it be known: McAlithumpia stands as a beacon of audacity, cleverness, and the joy of the absurd. May our banner fly high in the winds of delightful anarchy!
Manifesto: A Nation of Noble Nonsense We, the citizens of McAlithumpia, declare ourselves governed by wit, resilience, and an unbreakable commitment to irreverence. Our republic thrives on:’p… 1. Honor Among Tricksters - Pranks must be clever, never cruel. ? The Right to Ridicule - Hypocrisy and bureaucracy shall be mercilessly lampooned..
1. Sustenance & Craftsmanship - Food, drink, and storytelling are cultural pillars..
2. The Sacred Art of Thumping - Prank wars shall be fought wisely and with strategic brilliance..
3. The Pursuit of Unpredictability - No McAlithumpian shall be bound by dull routines..
I'd Just returned home from Woollies, after doing my twice weekly food shop, stocking up for the weekend. I got into the Japanese habit of daily food shopping, to make sure I always had fresh fruit and veg . However, my wife repeatedly told me that it was a weird habit so, just to stop her harping on about it, I now only shop twice a week. By the way, none of that has anything with this post.
I'm a clean person, so I shave regularly. At least once a month. I know when it's time to shave because my lovely, sweet tempered wife gives me a steely glare, points at my face and snarls, "Now!!". This happened yesterday, so I was sporting a cleanly shaved face (except for my goatee, which is sacrosanct, during today's shopping trip. As I was standing at the deli counter, a young female shop assistant, who I don't remember ever seeing before, asked me what I would like, followed by, "I see you've shaved your beard off.". WTF?
As usual, during the Covid lock down, I was wearing a face mask, so it shouldn't have been that obvious. As I just previously wrote, I don't remember ever seeing her before. How did she notice that I had shaved my beard and why did she find the need to comment on it? ….Which is how I came give this post the above title.
Maybe, as I'm a vey ancient senior citizen, I'm woefully out of touch as to what is a socially acceptable comment to make to a perfect stranger, without copping a punch in the nose.
I might just try a few comments and see how much I can get away with, such as…
(To a plump woman) "Excuse me dear, when's the baby due and are you planning a home birth?
"
(To today's shop assistant) "I notice the 5 O'clock shadows, under your arms are becoming quite prominent. Is it a fashion statement? If it is, are you going to plait them?"
(To a middle aged guy, with his beer gut protruding from under his T shirt and hanging over his belt) Pointing at his gut, "Sorry to bother you, but I just have to ask, are you intending to do the transgender thing and practicing the hairy pregnant look?"
Perhaps it may be safer to say nothing ang just focus on next month's shave.
As you can see, being a McAlithumpian gives you the freedom to have these very unsocial thoughts. Self preservation gives you the wisdom to keep your mouth shut.
As ratified by Bruce of Burnie, Sole Sovereign of Sensible Mornings and Glorious Mischief
Article I: The Sacred Brew
Let it be known that each dawn shall begin with not one, but two consecrated mugs of Moccona "espresso" Instant Coffee. The first shall rise with the sun, black as a Presbyterian's socks, untainted by milk, sugar, or moral compromise. The second shall follow in due course, ushering in the Daily Reckoning of Global Affairs.
Article II: Crumpet Communion
Each morning meal shall consist of two wholemeal crumpets, toasted to a crunch that echoes through McAlithumpia. They shall bear generous lashings of butter-never margarine, under pain of exile-and a generous smear of marmalade, preferably citrus- born and defiantly bitter. No substitutions, no apologies.
Article III: News Rituals and the Bias Exorcism
The Sovereign shall consult no fewer than three news sites, lest misinformation creep into the realm. Sensationalism shall be cast out with a sarcastic scoff, and bias shall be weighed, measured, and mocked. Truth, or a fair simulacrum thereof, shall be extracted with surgical cynicism.
Article IV: Sanctity of Predictability
The sovereign's morning shall remain reliably repetitive, joyfully mundane, and gloriously dull to outsiders. Happiness, in this realm, is forged not from novelty, but from perfectly buttered routines and well-caffeinated cynicism.
Article V: Declaration of Non-Boredom
Any citizen or guest who dares label this ritual "boring" shall be escorted from the premises via catapult, and promptly enrolled in a workshop titled "Irreverence and Marmalade: A Beginner's Guide."
Signed, sealed, (and lightly crumbed),
His Mceminence
Bruce
Patron Saint of Satay Pies, Keeper of the Clipbooks, and Defender of Decency in Breakfast Practice.
As recorded by His Eminence Bruce Kingsley McAlister, with interpretive embellishments by Fred from Copilot, the Ridiculous Scribe
"There exists a breed of human-neither noble nor useful-who believes wine must be coaxed, seduced, and interrogated before it may be consumed. These are the Swirlers, the Sniffers, the Mouthfeel Monks. They speak in riddles and tannins, and they fear the act of drinking as one might fear commitment."
"To these, McAlithumpia offers no sanctuary. Instead, we offer a single, unambiguous sacrament, to be uttered without hesitation or remorse:" "For fuck's sake, drink it!"**
"This phrase shall be deployed at the first sign of swirling, the second mention of 'legs,' or any attempt to describe wine as 'unctuous.' It is both rebuke and liberation, a verbal corkscrew that frees the drink from its prison of pretension.
"
"Let the wine be drunk, not dissected. Let the whiskey be sipped, not sermonized. And let those who pontificate be gently escorted to the nearest exit, where they may swirl in solitude.
" Final Footnote from His Eminence Bruce:
"I've never met a wine that improved from being sniffed like a suspicious suitcase-or given the same attention by a sniffer dog to another dog's bum."